I was in a very long and serious relationship with a man who
had everything I wanted. Our relationship really worked – we could laugh
together, we communicated well, we could be vulnerable together, and the list
of reasons why it worked continues.
But there was just one thing.
One thing
that made everything that worked not work.
I was broken.
A month after we had begun our relationship I found out that
my parents were getting a divorce. And not for the civilized kind of reasons –
the disastrous and messy kind. It left me, the youngest in the family, with so
much hurt and fear of abandonment. It felt as if the once solid and secure
foundations my life has been built on for the past 19 years have been ripped
out underneath me.
Suddenly I had no sense of security in my life. My family
use to be the one sure thing I had and now that too has been torn apart.
Needless to say my boyfriend became my rock. Well, more
accurately, he became my crutch. I was broken, and he carried me. I took out
all of my hurt towards my family out on him. And he took it. Every single hit
of anger and insecurity I had bottled up.
About 8 months into the relationship I had a little feeling in my gut that I had
to end the relationship. I didn’t want to hear it, so I ignored it. It
continued to nag for three months. Then, after a lot of prayer and discussion
with my ‘fellowshippers’ and with God, I finally ended things. Officially the hardest
decision of my life so far. I thought we were going to get married. And now I
was ending it.
I decided to take a year off. Now, I know that Andy Stanley
has this challenge for people to take a year off from relationships as part of
his “New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating” series. But I didn’t even know who
Andy Stanley was at the time.
My year had purpose of something along these
lines:
1. To find my identity.
2. To find God’s identity.
3. To find how 1 & 2 come together.
I decided on a year, because I knew that as soon as I meet
someone new who was willing to be crutch, I would take the opportunity when things
would get tough. So it was a time-specific guideline for me to heal purposefully with no shortcuts.
I decided ‘no relationships’, because I knew that the
biggest distraction in my life has always been my boyfriend. I would run to him for comfort,
validation, protection and attention. And this is not meant to come solely from
another person. No one can live up to that role in its fullest capacity. Only God can. And I wasn’t
getting it from Him, because it was much "easier" to get it from my boyfriend.
But it didn’t sustain, and I was a broken, insecure girl who couldn’t imagine
life without her man. So I basically gave up my ‘Isaac’.
However, the morning after the breakup
I woke up drenched in peace. And it is now a year and a few months later and I
haven’t cried about it once.
I had peace and faith and the biggest ADVENTURE of
my life.
It wasn’t easy, but today I can say that I, regardless of my
past,
am a woman who sacrificed a little year of no dating
so that I can become
a
healthy, confident, content, secure and godly woman
who won’t depend on my
future husband
for happiness or worth.
I can be a whole person with him.
The wife he deserves.
I can be a whole person with him.
The wife he deserves.
I also gave God the opportunity to lay the most secure and
beautiful foundations for the rest of my life.
It is as if all of the values,
lies, hurt and perspectives my life has been built on have been broken down and
rebuilt to its best possible version. Like the city of Zion in the Bible.
Are you up for a challenge of your own?
Did you also take a year off?
Feel free to share your story or questions with me! Three
girls I am mentoring are currently taking up this challenge and I am very excited to
say that God has met every expectation and even more!
LOVE
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